I am a Kindergarten teacher.
I have watched little boys and girls walk into my classroom on the first day of Kindergarten for the past 16 years. I have watched their faces. Some were filled with wonder and excitement as they looked around their new classroom. Some were filled with fear and anxiety as they clung to their parent's hand. Some were filled with pure sadness as they said good-bye to mommy and/or daddy. The tears would stop eventually for them, I assured their parents, but for some it would take the better part of that first day before they became just comfortable enough to stop crying.
But it was always the faces of the parents that I was most curious about for many years. Some came in smiling and laughing as they "FINALLY" sent their last child off to school. Some were scared and nervous, asking lots of questions like "What if he doesn't have enough time to eat all his lunch?" or "Will you call me if she doesn't stop crying?" And then there were the parents who had tears sitting precariously just inside that bottom eye lid. The ones trying so hard to keep it all together, for their child's sake, as they helped their little boy or girl get acquainted and settle in for the day. Those parents were simultaneously the most pitiful and the most interesting for me to observe. Pitiful because I wondered how they could feel so much sadness at being separated from their child for a mere 6 1/2 hours. Interesting because I wondered what must they be thinking inside their heads that made them well up with tears and stifle a sob as they waved good-bye one final time and slowly walked out the door.
This year, I finally know what those parents are thinking. This year, I send my son to Kindergarten. This year, the "First Day of Kindergarten" takes on a whole new meaning for me.
I watched my students' parents differently this year. I tried to anticipate my own feelings on my son's first day of school through all of these parents in my classroom. Would I be like P's mom who just couldn't make herself leave? Who found a different question to ask just so she could stay long after the bell rang? Or would I be like K's mom, who hid behind her husband as she felt the tear slip over the edge and her shoulders begin to shake because she didn't want her son to see her cry? Or would I be like C's mom giving a quick hug and kiss followed by "I love you, have fun!"
The teacher in me tells me to be nothing like P's mom. No teacher appreciates the lingering parent on the first day of school. I hope I will be like C's mom, keeping a smile on my face and instilling a sense of adventure in his heart. But I think I will most resemble K's mom. I know I will cry. I just hope I can be as graceful as she was so that my son doesn't see my tears. My brain tells me that he will be fine. That he'll have fun. That he'll make new friends and learn new things. But my heart will miss him all day. And I think the day apart will feel much longer to me than to him as I wonder what he is doing with each passing minute.
In one week I will know the answer to my questions about this unique "First Day of Kindergarten" for me. And, like it or not, the next thirteen years of school life will begin for our family. Ready or not, here it comes!
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