Gift 10 - A Reunion

I took my family to my mother's family reunion today, a July tradition for many years.  The location changes each year, moved from the outdoor parks around the city to indoor churches or reception halls with air conditioning.  But the purpose is the same:  catch up with family from near and far.  Especially those that we don't see very often.

My grandmother was one of seven children, and this reunion is with members of that extended family.  My grandmother has been gone for nine years now.  One of her sisters just passed away this summer.  All the others were gone before my grandmother with the exception of just one.  My great aunt, along with her husband, is the only living sibling from that family.  I watched her today and wondered what that must be like.  What must it feel like to bury all of your siblings?  What thoughts do you have when you see that you, the youngest sibling, are the oldest member of the family?  I'm sure she's grateful that she has enjoyed so many years of life.  I'm sure she's grateful that the majority of her siblings also enjoyed a very long life.  But what does she think about the situation beyond that?

I am now, and have always been, very afraid of death.  I like the idea of the "ever after" of heaven, but I get sick to my stomach if I think about it too much.  I don't like to think about eternity, myself as an elderly person, or the death of my loved ones.  It scares me.  I do wonder if that will change as I get older, and consequently, closer to death.  But somehow I doubt that.  Maybe it's the fact that I have young children and I don't want to think about them living without me.  Or maybe I'm just afraid of the unknown, a more likely reason. 

Each year at my family reunion, I face the same questions and mixed feelings about death and what lies beyond my present.  I recall the people who were there last year but are absent this year.  I did it a lot the year my grandma passed away, and the year both my dad and my uncle passed away less than three months apart.  One of my mom's cousins started an album several years ago.  In it she keeps the sign in sheets and pictures from each reunion as well the programs from family members' funerals and any other family related news or events from each year.  I am glad that she did that.  It is fun to look back and see my signature from when I was younger, and pictures of all of us growing and aging.  And, at the same time, it is profoundly sad to see my dad's face looking back at me from the book both as a living person beside me in pictures and on his funeral program.  But I'm still glad it's there.  That he won't be forgotten as we gather each year.  That he is still part of the annual reunion, even if his presence is only in a book and in our memories. 

Today my prayer of gratitude is for my extended family, my mother's family.  I am grateful for my twelve first cousins who have been with me through so many life events, especially their support when my dad died.  I am grateful for my great aunt who reminds me so much of my grandma when I look into her eyes.  I am grateful for her daughther, my godmother, and her other children who bring so much laughter to every event they attend.  And I am again grateful to my mother, for smiling through adversity, for carrying on in life even though I know she feels so alone so often, and for honoring her own mother by continuing to gather with relatives for an annual reunion.   Today my gift is of time to my family and thankfulness to my mom.   

Gift 9 - A Visit

We took the kids to see my mother-in-law today.  It's an easy gift to give. I give her the gift of my children, and it lights up her whole day. 

My husband's mother is not the baking-cookies-in-the-kitchen kind of grandma. She doesn't cook us big meals on the holidays. But she does love her son, and she loves her grandchildren.  She lives modestly, but she would give them the moon if she were able.

I know that she thinks I am a good mother, a good wife.  I also know that I don't appreciate how much she loves my husband, my children, and even me.  She doesn't live in the same city as us, but only lives about 30-miles away.  It's difficult for her to drive on the interstate to see us, but it's also difficult for us to see her very often.  I feel very guilty about that, but I also feel a bit relieved that I don't have to make daily time for another person.  I feel guilty that she wants to see my kids more often and I don't make that happen.  I feel guilty that she wants to come and spend the night, several nights even, and I find excuses to not make that happen.  Why?  I certainly hope that my future daughter-in-law doesn't do that to me, but I also can't make myself stop doing it.

My prayer is for my mother-in-law today, that she continue to be in good health and living independently.  I also say a prayer of gratitude for her love of my husband, and that she raised a wonderful man who I am lucky to be married to now.  And I am grateful for her love of my children.  Her face lights up when she sees them, and it makes me happy to give her that joy.  I am also making a resolution for myself that I will invite her to our house to spend the night and enjoy her grandchildren.  And I promise I will enjoy it. 

Gift 8 - Relaxation

Today was a glorious day for the pool.  It was HOT, the pool was crowded, it was GREAT! 

We are members of a private pool here in town, and today we took some friends there with us to enjoy the beautiful summer day.  It was fun to see my friend again, and fun to watch our kids play in the water.  I wish my gift could have included lunch as well, but I unfortunately don't have enough money right now for that gift.  But I think my friend appreciated the time away from the regular routine of entertaining the kids during the summer, and I appreciated the company. 

I offer up another prayer of gratitude for good friends today.  I am also grateful for the pool, a place where both of my kids are entertained and happy for several hours at a time.  And, finally, I say a prayer for my friend who seems unhappy about her life right now.  I pray that she finds some peace and happiness in her life.

Gift 7 - For the Kiddos

I set up a playdate today for my kids, a gift that is for them as well as for me.  The date was with a friend of my son, who just happens to have a little sister to play with our little girl, and a Mommy who I like very much.  I am hoping that she will become a friend as our boys move through their school years together. 

I've always had trouble making new friends.  I would say that I have a lot of friends now, but it has always been difficult for me to initiate a friendship with someone new.  I tend to rely on the familiar - friends from high school, friends I meet through other friends, friends of my husband's, and even family members who I consider "friends".   As my son begins his school career, I am hoping to make new friends with other parents.  I'm not expecting to instantly bond with several people, but I am hoping for one person that I can look for in the crowd of faces at school events, and know that someone else is looking forward to seeing me too. 

I am hoping that this "Mommy" will become that face in the crowd for me, my lifelink through elementary school.  My prayer of gratitude is for her today, and to our potential friendship that is just beginning.  I also say a prayer for our boys, that they will continue to form a lifelong friendship. 

And, while I'm at it, I am also quite grateful for the new coffee she introduced me to today.  Thanks for the coffee, friend!

Gift 6 - Time And Wine

My gift today was for an old friend.  I met her at a local restaurant for a glass of wine and then a walk.  But, more importantly, my gift of time allowed us to have a real conversation.  To catch up on life.  To talk about something other than our children.  It was really great.

I have known her for over half my life.  We have been together through many life events.  We have also had our moments where life divided us for various reasons.  But the good thing about an old friend is that she knows my history so I don't ever feel like I have to explain anything to her.  We can not see each other for several weeks and just pick up where we left off.  I appreciate that about her.

So today my prayer of gratitude is for my friend, and for all my friends both old and new that I hold dear.  Life would be very lonely without friends.

Gift 5 - An Email and A Prayer

I received an email today from a classmate from high school.  She was letting me know that another classmate's father is undergoing chemotherapy for lymphoma, and his treatements have been very difficult.  They have tried several types of treatment, but his body is just not responding well.  They are nearing the time when they have to say they have tried everything but his body has had enough. 

My gift today was to send an email to my classmate and let her know that I am thinking about her and praying for her father's health.  I also told her how much I admire her strength and positive attitude.  I can't say that she is a close friend, or that we were even close when we were in school together.  In fact, if I had to guess, I would say that I wasn't someone she even liked much.  Although I don't remember doing or saying anything offensive to her in our teen years, she may have perceived something in a different way.  I don't know.  And now, 20+ years later, I don't really care if she liked me or didn't like me when we were in high school.  What matters most now is that she is a human being who is hurting, and I wanted to do or say something that would hopefully help her hurt a little less. 

One of the things I like most about my high school alma mater, is that we had a very small class.  We knew each other well, knew each other's families, and are still connected all these years later through email, facebook, and periodic reunions.  I know that this particular classmate lost her mother to cancer 23 years ago this month.  I know that her sister was diagnosed with cancer several years ago, and fought herself into remission.  I know that my classmate is getting married soon, and would love to have her father there with her on that special day.

So I said a prayer to God today and asked Him to give strength to her father as he faces another round of chemotherapy.  I prayed that his daughter would find strength in her support of her father, and faith that his treatments will provide relief for them all.  And I said my prayer of gratitude, again, for the health of my own family.  I have no idea what the future holds for me, but I hope that I can face it with the strength and positive attitude that I have witnessed from this woman.

Quote of the Day

I saw this at the end of an email today, and it made me laugh out loud.  I had to write it down so I will remember it:

"Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the ground in the morning, the devil says, "Oh crap, she's up!"

Love that!!

Please Look After Mom - Book Review

I finished reading "Please Look After Mom" by Kyun-sook Shin.  The book was a bestseller in South Korea, home of the author, and was released in English print in the United States this past April.  I received a copy at that time, after reading multiple reviews from several sources such as NPR, The New York Times, Barnes and Noble, and Amazon.com.  I was intrigued since I was able to travel to South Korea a few years ago, and I thought maybe the book would bring back some of those memories.  What I was not expecting was how much I would reflect on my own mother's sacrifices over the years, and how I have started down the same path to give to my children before myself. 

In the book, an elderly mother is separated from her husband in a busy Seoul train station.  The story is told from the perspective of one daughter, one son, the husband, and finally the mother.  Her husband and adult children search for her relentlessly while simultaneously recalling how much she sacrificed for their happiness and how poorly they feel they treated her over the years. We learn a little more about the mother with each chapter, and learn how deeply each family member's guilt lies within them.   

For me, the story made me stop and think about my own mother.  I remember when I was a kid and we had movie night, my mom rarely sat with us through the whole movie.  We used to laugh at her and make snarky comments about how she couldn't sit still long enough to watch a movie.  Now that I am a mother, I realize that while the kids are engrossed in a movie night with their dad, I can wash and fold two or three loads of laundry, unload and reload the dishwasher, and balance my checkbook.  And I'm listening to the movie all the while so that I can still discuss it with them when it's over.  My mom wasn't lacking an attention span, she was multi-tasking.

Another thing I realize now is how much I took advantage of my mom's sacrifices.  She would give up her share of the dessert, spend her last dollar on a small toy or treat, skip dinner to make it to countless ball games, and wake up in the dead of night to pick us up from a friend's house or late night party so that we could get home safely.  Now that I am a mother, I find myself eating just the crust of a pizza after my kids pick off all the toppings.  I eat the last dripping licks of vanilla ice cream so that my daughter can get to the coveted cone because I don't have enough money to buy myself an ice cream.  I sleep on the very edge of a queen size mattress because the two little people in my life are afraid of a storm and have squirmed their way into my bed in the middle of the night.  And I go without sleep at all when they are sick or hurt because I am scared to close my eyes and not hear them if they need me. 

Being a mom is hard work.  What I didn't realize until recently is that being MY MOM was hard work too.  And, she would probably say, still is.  I can be impatient with her.  I get snippy when I think she is slowing me down while we're out running errands.  I don't have a lot of sympathy when she says she doesn't feel well.  I often think she is just complaining or looking for sympathy, but is it really that hard for me to just give her that?  I argue with her when I don't have the same opinion as her rather than respest her opinion for what it is, her OPINION.  My mom tells me often that my daughter reminds her so much of me.  She says it with a smile on her face that I'm sure means both "I miss my little girl" as well as "paybacks will be hell for you".

As the mother of a daughter, I have resigned myself to the fact that someday I will likely hear "I hate you" from my daughter. That she will tell me I don't know anything.  That she will walk ahead of me and roll her eyes when I fall behind. Perhaps that is just the nature of a mother-daughter relationship:  you love one another more than you can imagine, but you can push each other's buttons and make each other CRAZY at the same time.  I have said numerous times how grateful I am to have my mom be such an active part of my life.  I cannot imagine my life without her, and I have told her that many times.  Reading this book reminded me that I need to acknowledge my mom's goodness more often.  That I need to thank her more often, even for the little things. And that I need to take the time to ask her what I CAN DO FOR HER more often. I hope I can do it.  I will certainly try.

Gift 4 - I Love A Parade!

Photo from Google Images

My gift today was for my two children.  I took them to a local 4th of July parade that has been held for many years.  My dad always loved this parade, and was even in it a few times for his job.  I didn't have children when my dad was in the parade, but I think they would have gotten a big kick out of seeing him go by them.  I'm sure he would have been throwing some of their favorite candy too.  Lots of it. 

As I watched my son scramble for candy, and my daughter eye the shriners suspiciously from her stroller, I reflected on how much I love the community where I live.  It is a college town, a medium sized city with several "bedroom" communities around it, and it is very family oriented.  This weekend alone, we had access to two different music festivals as well as three separate firework displays.  That doesn't include any of the regular weekend activities - Farmer's Markets, family storytime at the library, and dips in the three public pools, just to name a few.  I grew up here, went to college here, and am making a conscious decision to raise my children here.  I love it here!

My prayer of gratitude today is for the beautiful city that I call home.  I am so grateful for all that it has to offer to me and my family.  I also said a prayer of thanks and safe keeping to the men and women of the military who are so far from home today.  I pray that they stay safe so that next year they can celebrate our nation's independence with their own families, in the place that they each call "home". 

Gift 3 - Happy Birthday!

Today we are going to a birthday party for my cousin's two children.  They are having a swimming/water slide party, and we were invited to join the festivities.  I don't even have to fret about a gift because I keep a stack of books and art supplies on hand for last minute children's gifts.  We picked out a paper doll sticker book for the 4-year old girl, and a board book for the 1-year old boy.  I also have some art supplies ready for my mom to give as a gift to the 4-year old, and she found a small toy for the boy.  Easy Peasy, Lemon Squeezy!

Along with my gift for the day is a prayer of health and happiness for the birthday boy and girl, and a prayer of gratitude that I am organized enough to keep gifts on hand in the closet for almost any age child.  I also say an extra prayer of gratitude for my family, including these extended family members. 

My extended family is large.  Very large.  My dad was number six of seven children, and my mom was number three of six children.  My mom has two siblings that are close in age to her, and then there is a 13-year gap and three younger brothers.  All from the same mother and father.  I have twelve first cousins on my mom's side, and our ages range from 27 to 46.  We are, and have always been, very close.  We spent many days and nights together, took trips together, spent every holiday together growing up, were in each other's weddings, lived within 15 miles of each other, and called each other "friend" as well as "cousin".

My dad's siblings were much more spread out, again from the same mother and father, so I have many more cousins and a much larger age gap.  I think the oldest is 62 years old, and the youngest must be around 35 years old.  I am not as close to all of those cousins. In fact, I don't even know the names and ages of a few of them.  Or where they even live now.  But there were a few that I spent a lot of time with growing up, and am still close to today.  The birthday party today is one of those families. 

Actually, the grandmother is my first cousin, and the party is for her two grandchildren.  She is not much younger than my parents, since my dad became an uncle at the age of 4, so it was like her three daughters were my first cousins since we were the same age.  When we moved far from our family for my dad's job when I was seven, this is one of the families that came to visit us. Twice.  I have pictures of me and my two siblings in sleeping bags on the floor with these three cousins. Their oldest daughter and I were very into scrapbooking for awhile and spent many Saturdays together doing albums.  Their middle daughter is the same age as my sister, and they got into lots of trouble together as kids and young adults.  The party today is for the children of the youngest daughter.  I would say she is the one I know the least, but she is still someone I know I can call at anytime and she'll be there  They are very close sisters, and they have always treated me like an extended sister as well.  I love them, all of them.  And I can't imagine my life without them.  

So today I celebrate the birthdays of two sweet little babes whose Mommy has been a lifelong friend.  And I am grateful to call them all "family". 

Heaven Is For Real - Book Review

A friend of mine suggested that we read the book "Heaven Is For Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back".  I was not overly excited about reading it, but I added my name to the long waiting list at the library and forgot about it.  The day before we left on vacation, my name came up on the list for an mp3 audio checkout of the book.  I downloaded it and planned to listen to it on my ipod when it was my turn to drive.  Once I started listening, however, I couldn't stop.  I really enjoyed it. More than I thought I would. 

I was a bit of a skeptic because the book is written by the boy's father, Todd Burpo, who just happens to be a church pastor.  I didn't want to hear preaching about living a good life to get into heaven.  It was not like that at all.  Mr. Burpo shared the events of his 4-year old son's illness and his family's struggles, all without a preaching tone.  He did share passages from the bible that he recalled when his son spoke of specific things, but I appreciated hearing those connections.  It reminded me that I DO know a lot about the bible and scripture, and maybe those six years of Catholic education were not a complete waste. 

Since finishing the book, I have found myself saying quick prayers here and there for other people.  According to Colton Burpo, God and the angels are listening.  Who am I to disagree with him?  As a child, my prayers seemed to be more like wishes than prayers - "God, I would love a new bike" or "God, a Ken doll would be so fun to play with".  As a young adult, they were selfish prayers - "help me do well on this exam"; "please don't let them cash that check before I get paid"; "I really don't want my parents to know that I did that". 

Then I stopped praying for a long time.  It didn't seem like it mattered.  Was anyone really up there listening to me?  Colton Burpo says someone is listening.  But he says they listen harder to the prayers offered up for others.  Since listening to this story, I started praying again, but I am focusing my prayers on others.  I pray for my friend from high school battling cancer.  I pray for an acquaintance who will have a double mastectomy next week. I pray for a family member undergoing heart surgery.  

I'm sure I will still offer up prayers for myself.  And I would be willing to bet they will be selfish or sound like wishes from time to time:

"Dear God, please let my son follow directions today.  All day.  The first time he hears the direction."

Hopefully I will remember Colton's message and trust in a power higher than myself.  And maybe, somehow, I will be listening closely enough to hear an answer to my prayers from time to time. 

Gift 2 - Thanks, Mom

My gift for today is for my Mom.  She is my rock.  I can always count on her to do ANYTHING for me ANYTIME I need her.  I know that I don't give back to her nearly as much as she gives to me.  I tell myself that I will have more time for her when my kids are a bit older and don't need me as much.  But does that day come, really?  I am an adult, a mother of two, and I still rely on my mom to listen to me, comfort me, and help me when I'm in a bind.  I likely will be that person for my children for many more years to come.  I hope. 

So when will it be my mom's turn? 

My mom is that person who always puts others before herself.  She has always been that way.  She took care of her younger brothers, she took care of her children, she took care of her elderly mother, she took care of her co-workers, she took care of her mentally ill brother.  Now she takes care of her grandchildren in addition to her children.  However, she would say the grandchildren are fun, part of her reward for working and parenting for so long. 

At some point it has to be her turn, right? 

Today I took my mom to lunch.  My gift was a thank you to her because she took care of our house while we were out of town.  That was a job!  While we were away, our air conditioner stopped working and the internet wires were somehow disconnected.  My mother spent an entire day at my house waiting for repair people to come fix everything.  The internet is fine now, as evidenced by this post, but the air conditioner is done.  We will have to purchase a new unit which will be a major financial burden for us.  My mom felt guilty that she couldn't do more when I started crying on the phone, worried about how we would pay for it.  And I know, if she had the means, she would replace it for us.  That is the kind, giving person that she is.  My mom doesn't need to read "29 Gifts" because she lives it and has been living it for most of her life.  She is a natural giver.

So today my prayer of gratitude is for my mom.  I am so thankful that she is here, that she loves me and my family, and that she is a natural giver.  I hope that she knows how appreciated she is. 

And I hope our budget allows for a new air conditioner sooner rather than later because it is getting hot!

29 Gifts: Book Review and Gift 1

Last night I finished the book "29 Gifts: How a Month of Giving Can Change Your Life" by Cami Walker. I knew nothing about it when I checked it out from the library, but it was available and I was going on vacation so I grabbed it. The author writes about her MS diagnosis and the struggles associated with her disease.  She is given a "prescription" from a medicine woman, if you will, who tells her to give away 29 gifts in 29 days and she will become more open to receiving from others and the universe, as well as acknowledge with gratitude all that she receives.  When I finished the book, I immediately got on the author's website, and read more stories of giving from the author and others who have joined her movement. And now I am committed to starting my own 29 days of giving!

I thought I would start when I got home from vacation, maybe after the 4th of July on Monday, but then I saw a money collection jar at a gas station in Nebraska and told myself "no time like the present". The collection is for a man who was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer, and he has to drive over two hours one way for treatment in Omaha. The money jar is to help him pay for gas. Normally, I pass by those jars. Especially for people that I don't know. But because of the 29 Gifts, I was drawn to it. It made me stop and think how grateful I am that I am healthy, my husband and children are healthy, we are financially stable - not rich, but not poor - and we don't have to worry about how to pay for gas so that we can receive life saving treatment for cancer.

So I put $2.00 in the jar, said a little prayer for the man who will receive it, and said another little prayer of gratitude for my own family's health. I am counting that as Gift 1, Day 1. And it feels good.