Please Look After Mom - Book Review

I finished reading "Please Look After Mom" by Kyun-sook Shin.  The book was a bestseller in South Korea, home of the author, and was released in English print in the United States this past April.  I received a copy at that time, after reading multiple reviews from several sources such as NPR, The New York Times, Barnes and Noble, and Amazon.com.  I was intrigued since I was able to travel to South Korea a few years ago, and I thought maybe the book would bring back some of those memories.  What I was not expecting was how much I would reflect on my own mother's sacrifices over the years, and how I have started down the same path to give to my children before myself. 

In the book, an elderly mother is separated from her husband in a busy Seoul train station.  The story is told from the perspective of one daughter, one son, the husband, and finally the mother.  Her husband and adult children search for her relentlessly while simultaneously recalling how much she sacrificed for their happiness and how poorly they feel they treated her over the years. We learn a little more about the mother with each chapter, and learn how deeply each family member's guilt lies within them.   

For me, the story made me stop and think about my own mother.  I remember when I was a kid and we had movie night, my mom rarely sat with us through the whole movie.  We used to laugh at her and make snarky comments about how she couldn't sit still long enough to watch a movie.  Now that I am a mother, I realize that while the kids are engrossed in a movie night with their dad, I can wash and fold two or three loads of laundry, unload and reload the dishwasher, and balance my checkbook.  And I'm listening to the movie all the while so that I can still discuss it with them when it's over.  My mom wasn't lacking an attention span, she was multi-tasking.

Another thing I realize now is how much I took advantage of my mom's sacrifices.  She would give up her share of the dessert, spend her last dollar on a small toy or treat, skip dinner to make it to countless ball games, and wake up in the dead of night to pick us up from a friend's house or late night party so that we could get home safely.  Now that I am a mother, I find myself eating just the crust of a pizza after my kids pick off all the toppings.  I eat the last dripping licks of vanilla ice cream so that my daughter can get to the coveted cone because I don't have enough money to buy myself an ice cream.  I sleep on the very edge of a queen size mattress because the two little people in my life are afraid of a storm and have squirmed their way into my bed in the middle of the night.  And I go without sleep at all when they are sick or hurt because I am scared to close my eyes and not hear them if they need me. 

Being a mom is hard work.  What I didn't realize until recently is that being MY MOM was hard work too.  And, she would probably say, still is.  I can be impatient with her.  I get snippy when I think she is slowing me down while we're out running errands.  I don't have a lot of sympathy when she says she doesn't feel well.  I often think she is just complaining or looking for sympathy, but is it really that hard for me to just give her that?  I argue with her when I don't have the same opinion as her rather than respest her opinion for what it is, her OPINION.  My mom tells me often that my daughter reminds her so much of me.  She says it with a smile on her face that I'm sure means both "I miss my little girl" as well as "paybacks will be hell for you".

As the mother of a daughter, I have resigned myself to the fact that someday I will likely hear "I hate you" from my daughter. That she will tell me I don't know anything.  That she will walk ahead of me and roll her eyes when I fall behind. Perhaps that is just the nature of a mother-daughter relationship:  you love one another more than you can imagine, but you can push each other's buttons and make each other CRAZY at the same time.  I have said numerous times how grateful I am to have my mom be such an active part of my life.  I cannot imagine my life without her, and I have told her that many times.  Reading this book reminded me that I need to acknowledge my mom's goodness more often.  That I need to thank her more often, even for the little things. And that I need to take the time to ask her what I CAN DO FOR HER more often. I hope I can do it.  I will certainly try.