Life is not fair.
Sara is 38 years old.
Life is not fair
Sara has been confined to her home for many years, I have lost track of the years. She suffers from a painful disease, Ankylosing Spondylitis, as well as Leukopenia that makes her susceptible to germs, and she has had to live in a very controlled environment for the past several years.
Basically, all the things we all enjoy daily - sunshine, fresh air, most food, other people - would kill her in a short amount of time.
Life is not fair.
And now, as I type this, she is lying in her bed. She is surrounded by family and close friends. Hospice has arrived. Her breathing is slowing. Her organs are shutting down.
Why aren't they screaming "LIFE IS NOT FAIR!"???
Because Sara believes in a power higher than her. She believes in God. She believes that He has a plan for her, has always had a plan for her. She believes that she was given this disease for a reason. She believes that something greater than "here" is waiting for her "there", and she is ready to see it. She believes that an eternity of painfree living is within her grasp. She believes that her dad, who died suddenly last year, is waiting for her with open arms. That she will see him as soon as she passes to "the other side".
I cannot begin to understand what she has been living with for the past several years. I can't know what it is like to have groceries delivered to your door that you go get only after the person has left. I can't know what it is like to take so many medications every single day. I can't know what it is like to only talk to friends on the phone because it's not safe to see them in person. I can't know what it's like to never leave your home.
I think I would feel so lonely. So depressed. So sad. So angry.
But she did not choose to feel those things. To live like that. And that is what makes her AMAZING!
I cannot begin to understand how important it has been for her to believe in God, heaven, and all the things she believes. I cannot begin to understand how fully she embraced her motto, CHOOSE JOY, rather than be eaten up by sorrow and self pity.
What is remarkable about this young woman is how calmly she is staring death in the face. She is using her last breaths to comfort those who love her. She had someone phone my sister this morning so that she could say simple words that she wanted to say - "I love you!" But the words she said next were meant to comfort my sister:
"I am going to find your Dad as soon as I get there and give him a big hug. And then I am going to dance with him again."
She was referring to dancing with my dad at my sister's wedding. Her words made my sister choke back sobs, but she felt such comfort because SOMEONE is going to see our dad, even if it can't be one of us. SOMEONE we know, love, talk to, is going to hug our dad soon.
For that alone, I want to believe. I want to believe that she will pass peacefully from this world to heaven. That her Dad will be waiting for her with open arms. That she will find my Dad and flash him her big smile that makes her eyes sparkle, and that he will smile back and hug her tight. I want to believe that the place she is going is better than the place she is leaving. I want to believe that our loved ones in Heaven are watching us, guiding us, with us always.
But I am scared of that unknown.
I am trying to trust Sara. I am trying to believe.
I will take her words with me and try very hard to CHOOSE JOY in all aspects of my life. I know it will be hard, but it can't be as hard as living the way she lived. I get to see my friends, eat what I want, run outside, hug others, be ALIVE. She cannot do those things and yet she vowed to CHOOSE JOY.
So, for you Sara, I will CHOOSE JOY. And I will take the life that is given to me and try not to judge what is fair and not fair. And I will look to God, the power higher than me, and try to trust His plan. And I will believe that you are there, in Heaven, meeting your God with a smile on your face and a body free of pain. And I will remember you.
Please give my Dad a hug and tell him how much I miss him. And then sing him a song with your beautiful voice.
This is Sara singing "Amazing Grace".
No comments:
Post a Comment